


Now

by Davechicken



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 08:41:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10460628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: The man they bring home is not the one who was captured.





	

The man they bring back isn’t the one they lost, that much is clear. His body is different, but obviously the same. Thinner, around the edges. Leaner, like a honed blade. His pale skin is a patchwork of hurt, ranging from the aged caf-stain yellows, all the way up to vibrant, bloodied red wine purples. A few lacerations stitched shut, and a shoulder he favours by keeping it turned away from anyone who gets close. 

Kylo sighs. The methods those bastards used…

He prefers a much more clinical approach. Of course, Hux had been perfectly fine with mind-altering drugs, and then brute force on his own prisoners, but Kylo was always one to reach right in and steal the thought right from the back of their throat, where they tried to swallow it. 

The fact that the – he hesitates to call them ‘people’ – who held Hux resorted to such brute force says a lot. If they’d had access to a Jedi, they’d have surely used them to crack his skull of secrets. He doesn’t know which particular faction of the Resistance had him, but they had him for _months_ , and they clearly didn’t like him. They didn’t even keep the blows in places they wouldn’t show, which means the painted skin is as much a message as an act of anger.

Kylo never really got on well with Hux before he was captured, but even so, he didn’t deserve this. He might have been an annoying, rule-bound pompous shit, but… no. 

He still knows right from wrong, and this is wrong. 

“Is there anything… broken beyond repair?” he asks the medic, who hovers by his shoulder.

Hux doesn’t seem to register the words, his eyes cast away from them both. His bruised knuckles worry at the edge of the bedsheet, and his mouth is turned into a permanent downwards slope. He looks even _more_ disgusted than he usually would, which is saying something.

“No. The internal bleeding has stopped. There was severe dehydration, which we’ve been treating, but nothing irreversible. He’ll recover… physically, if he’s given the correct physiotherapy once his pain levels are within acceptable parameters.”

Physically. They can’t opine upon his mind, because there’s no scan they can do for someone’s spirit, for their motivation, or their will. There’s no machine that can truly quantify despair, and no pill to take it away. You could pump someone full of artificial happiness all you wanted, but you couldn’t make it real.

“Has he… spoken at all?”

“…not… not that we’ve seen,” the medic admits. 

Hux still doesn’t react, his eyes glossy as they turn to gaze at seemingly nothing. They focus on the middle distance, and don’t waver. Slow blinks, at the end of when it’s safe not to.

He’s supposed to fix him, if it’s possible. The Leader recognised the investment that had been put into his nurture, and the loss that his departure would create, the hole he’d leave behind. It wasn’t loyalty, and it wasn’t empathy: it was pure, unbridled economics. A small investment in recouping an asset, or the write-off of a drain, if it couldn’t be reinvigorated.

Annoying as he was – is – Kylo can’t… can’t help but wonder if the same would be said of him. He’s _more_ important, of course (you can breed and train Generals, but it’s harder by far to produce Force-sensitives, especially of a lineage like his), but he could still be considered a useless waste of resources. He could be defunct, and devoid, and… dispatched.

“Can he be safely removed from here?”

“…y-yes…”

“What are you not telling me?”

“Lord Ren, there’s…” The medic’s eyes dart, and then zip back to his mask. “There are… some… complications to his care.”

And now the truth comes out.

***

Hux’s quarters are – rudely – bigger than his. That’s the main reason they’re here, and not because he thinks he needs the familiarity of it all. Kylo looks around at the… weirdly unpersonalised space, and thinks maybe he shouldn’t have bothered. The place is so non-descript as to be worrying, and he has sincere concerns about the man’s sanity _before_ the months of torture.

Kylo looks at Hux, who is again furiously avoiding his eyes, and waves at the room.

“It’s your quarters. Shouldn’t you make yourself at home?”

There’s a moment – just a moment – when the eyes that meet his are furiously angry, and then something slips over the anger, and Hux walks straight into his bedroom and closes the door.

So that’s how he wants to play things. Okay.

Kylo has no real experience in helping people heal. Plenty in _hurting_ , but nothing about the aftermath. People he worked on had a tendency to be beyond any use once he’d finished, and he never stayed around to watch the inevitable. 

He’s got some leeway, and he doesn’t feel like forcing the man to talk, so he investigates the couch to see if it’s long enough for him to sleep on. 

Surprisingly, it is.

***

In the night, Kylo hears the screaming. It echoes in his mind, and makes his blood run like icewater through his veins. He’s upright and panting at once, his head whipping around in the darkened room to look for the source.

Oddly, there’s nothing to be heard, though the screaming is still going on. It takes a moment for him to realise he’s hearing it through the _Force_ , and he gets up to knock on Hux’s door.

“Hux… Hux. I’m coming in. Either you open up, or I’ll count to ten and open it myself.”

There’s no sound of assent, no click of the lock. Kylo counts the numbers out loud, and then uses his over-ride to open the door.

Hux’s face is a rictus of pain, his hands clawing at the sheets that his feet try to kick down and off. His eyes are shut, and a pained whimper bubbles out, and it… sort of… hurts. 

Empathy is no longer his strong suit. Once, perhaps, but…

Kylo walks up to the bed, and puts a hand on Hux’s good shoulder. He shakes him gently, only to find his wrist gripped by a pair of narrow hands that suddenly – somehow – somersault him onto his back, on the floor, beside the bed.

He’s too impressed by the man’s reflexes and skill to be upset by being flipped like that, and he looks up at the blue eyes that look down.

“You were having a nightmare,” he explains, rubbing his wrist, even though it doesn’t really hurt. His pride is stung more than his body.

Hux looks horrified, and then vanishes back onto the top of the bed, out of Kylo’s line of sight.

“I’m going to sit up. Please don’t attack me again.” Please. When was the last time he had to say that? 

Kylo sits up slowly, and sees Hux is gripping his feet, which are still draped in the kicked-down sheets. 

“You can still understand what I’m saying, can’t you?”

The momentary glare says yes, before the nod does.

“You know… I’m here to help, don’t you?”

Incredulity, and Hux shakes his head in denial. 

Kylo gets up slowly, and sits in the single chair, where Hux’s boots nest below, and his coat drapes over the shoulders of it. He creaks it a little closer, watching his features.

“The Leader ordered me to see if I could help you. Not that I’m qualified, but I suppose he doesn’t want anyone else to see the state you’re in. It will go a lot easier if you co-operate.”

Hux laughs, and then shakes his head. No. No. 

“No, you won’t co-operate?”

Another glare.

“Did they cut out your tongue?”

Hux starts to go white, and Kylo doesn’t understand. Surely it can’t have been _that_ bad? Seriously? Did they… did they…

“Hux… I’ll go as slow as I can, but you do know I can’t… babysit you forever, don’t you? You do realise… you have to work on recovering?”

No response. Kylo sits back in his chair, and sighs. It’s going to be difficult, isn’t it?

***

Hux is – they assure him – perfectly capable of feeding himself, cleaning himself, and dressing himself. The problem is he doesn’t seem want to do any of those things, though he also hasn’t made any attempt to actively… well… end things. 

His self-destructive streak seems to limit itself to passivity, which is by far more annoying. Kylo has to run some errands first thing, and when he gets back, Hux is still in bed. 

He’s lying on his good side, with the covers back up over him. He’s not sleeping, but he’s just… lying there. 

Kylo pulls the chair around so it’s facing him, and sits down.

“I’m going to have to do things, you know.”

Silence. 

“It’s to help you.”

More silence.

“You might not like it, but… it’s for your own good.” Even saying that feels bad, but sometimes you do have to hurt people to help. After all, without the Leader’s guidance, he would still be some chained up fake-Jedi, fettered and broken.

Kylo reaches out with the Force, carefully making his presence known in Hux’s consciousness. There’s a hissing intake of breath, and then the man flails internally, his head shaking in horror. Out. Get out. Get out.

Okay, so that’s clear enough. Kylo doesn’t push harder, but keeps the gentle contact up. He doesn’t want to really make the man suffer any more indignity and violation, but he’s trying to _help_. Kylo bites his lip, fighting to keep the contact level, trying not to push too hard. 

“I’m. Trying. To. Help. You.”

_Get out get out get out get—_

Kylo rises, angry, and then he sees the sudden terror on Hux’s face, and realises it’s aimed at _him_. He isn’t helping, he’s causing him to _panic_. 

“Hux… look. You _know_ you’re – you know you need help. If you’re not going to talk to me, then I need to… you know.”

A robust shake of his head.

“Then communicate with me!”

_Go away._

“Hux, don’t you _want_ to get better?”

No answer, and Kylo doesn’t know how you fix someone who emphatically doesn’t _want_ saving. He could… make him want to be saved? Push his way deeper? Paste some will to live in the gap?

But how would that be ‘Hux’? It wouldn’t. He pulls out of his mind, and runs a hand through his hair. Hux has seen him unmasked a few times, but he’s not going to freaking wear it when he’s trying to help. “If you won’t talk, will you… at least let me in enough to… converse? I won’t go any deeper.”

A twitch, and Hux glowers.

“You’re going to need to nod. I’m out of your head, until you tell me I can come in.”

Their eyes lock for the longest of times, and Kylo eventually gets tired. He stands up, and walks back into the lounge area, leaving Hux to his misery.

***

It’s much later when Hux finally emerges. He’s dressed in the bedclothes he’s been in all day, but he’s made half an effort with his hair, and he sits as far away from Kylo as it’s possible to sit. He can hear his stomach growling from here, so he looks over.

“Want me to order food to come up?”

A shrug, and then a tiny nod.

“Anything in particular?”

A shake, and Kylo pulls his datapad over, tapping in his request. When he’s done, he looks over. He can feel the air sort of shift, and then Hux croaks a single word out: 

“Why?”

“Why am I trying to help you?”

Nod.

“Well, first because Snoke ordered me to. And then second, because you don’t want me to, and I hate you just enough to want to piss you off.” It’s a joke, but the little wince says it hurt more than he meant it to. 

“Hux… I… I know some of it, okay? And for all you might be a pretentious dickhole, you… you didn’t deserve it. And if I don’t help you, then the Leader will decide you’re… superfluous. And I don’t want to train a new General.”

Hux drops his head. A word, echoing around and around. Broken. 

“You’re not broken. A bit bruised, but not broken.”

Hux makes a disgruntled noise, and then pulls his knee under him, swaying just slightly in his seat. He nearly is broken, and Kylo… doesn’t like that.

(And he doesn’t like how easily the Order seems to give up on people. It’s… it’s wrong. It is. He knows.)

***

Hux does not speak, though he does bathe, eat, and read. When he’s given a datapad, he reads reports and pings off commands and instructions like he’s absolutely fine, though he’s barely spoken a word since Kylo moved in. 

The commands (he reads them all) are efficient, clever, but worded in a way that lacks soul. It’s like a droid is relaying the thoughts, and not a Human. 

He isn’t sleeping well, and he still won’t let Kylo close to him, physically or mentally. It’s difficult to know if he’s helping at all, really. Difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

But Kylo isn’t ready to give up just yet.

***

“Your excuses are wearing thin.”

“I just need more time…” Once, he would have asked for guidance, but somehow he knows the Leader will have none that would truly help. “I can reach him.”

“If you can, then do so. If you cannot… then either you, or he, is deficient.”

Kylo closes his eyes under his mask, swaying. “He was extensively—“

“Excuses are not what I need. I need results. You fix him, or you fix my problem.”

The holo ends, and Kylo feels the gap beside him more keenly than before.

***

“Okay, I know you don’t want to do this, but I need to get you better. Hux, please don’t fight me.”

I’m fine.

It radiates out, and Kylo feels his stomach sink. “You know what you’re risking?”

If I’m no longer useful, then I shouldn’t exist.

Oh for the love of… Kylo walks up, and has to physically yank his hands back from shaking him. He can see the distress at his proximity in the way Hux flinches, and – why is it so hard to communicate without causing fear? “You’re risking your life. And after all you’ve done and suffered, don’t you think you’re worthy of existing?”

Hux’s nostrils flare.

“You are! Hux, for the love of **everything** , you deserve to live. You deserve to move past the pain. If it hurts so much, why won’t you let me help you?”

Broken. 

“Yes, you’re broken. So am I. So are most people.”

No. I… they…

“Broke you?”

Didn’t tell them everything. Told them lies, but…

“Not all of it was lies.” Ah. Guilt. “You did what you needed to do, to survive.”

Should have let them kill me. 

“No. You absolutely should not. That means they won. If you let them continue to hurt you, you let them win.”

Hux clearly thinks about this for a while, then ducks his head. 

“You don’t need to flick a switch and be better. What you went through was horrific, but you… have to want to keep living. I can’t help you if you don’t want that.”

Why? 

“Why want to keep living?” Why indeed. “Didn’t you… you had a reason before, right?”

He won’t think it, but Kylo knows it’s the Order.

“…you… don’t feel as connected to it, now you… gave information up?”

Broken.

Broken. Kylo knocks the back of his fingers against his hand, and runs his tongue over his teeth before talking. “I… was broken, once, too. It… isn’t forever. If you go and give up on me, do you have any idea what you’ll do to me?”

Confusion, then. Hux doesn’t understand, and Kylo has to make him understand.

“I want to help you. Fuck… maybe I can’t do anything, but… I don’t want to see you in pain. I could have given up on you weeks ago. Thrown you to the Leader. Airlocked you. Whatever… but I’m here. Doesn’t that show you that you matter? That… someone wants you to keep going?”

Hux doesn’t nod for the longest of times, but then he does. 

“I don’t know what you need to help, but… I want to try. If you want to tell me what happened, then you can. If you want to be made to forget, then we can. If you want… reminding of all your less-horrible qualities…”

Hux actually snorts in semi-amusement, and Kylo grins. 

“Alright. So we’re getting somewhere.”

Slow. 

“I’ll go as slow as I can, but… we are on a clock, and it is ticking.”

Hux looks mournfully at him. A pause, and then he acknowledges it. I’ll try.

***

Hux manages to master basic verbal communication again, along the lines of ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and so on. Nothing deep, and nothing personal. It’s a step in the right direction, and Kylo tries to praise him without looking condescending, but in reality he’s afraid. 

The Leader is getting more and more impatient, and he knows Hux will  be feeling that pressure to perform, as ever. 

Baby steps. The man still wakes in cold sweats every night. Kylo still isn’t sure why speaking is such a problem, though he wonders if he feels the guilt of his leaked information, and doesn’t want to remember it. It makes as much sense as anything else. 

He won’t leave the quarters, and that’s also worrying. He can’t stay here forever, at least not and be productive and healthy. He needs to get out and about. Needs. 

“Hux… I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you know this can’t continue forever.”

Hux meets his eyes, and his jaw works over words he can’t quite voice right off. “I know.”

“You need to let me help you.”

“…you… think I want… to be like this?”

No, it’s killing him. For a man who has devoted his whole life to efficient obedience, this aberration is abhorrent to him. Kylo knows that. 

“You don’t want to get better.”

His hands clench and release, clench and release. He’s about to slam something, or to storm out… except that would be the Kylo thing to do. Hux doesn’t have something to do, and he realises it’s destroying him. 

Maybe…

Kylo picks up a mug, and holds it out. It’s empty, and Hux frowns. 

“Throw it.”

“…why?”

“Throw it. You’re angry, and you’re turning it in. It makes you feel worse. Turn it out.”

And turn into a violent beast like you?

“I’m still functioning. You’re not. Maybe my methods aren’t so stupid after all?”

Hux wavers, and turns the mug over and over in his hands. It won’t break on impact, but it will make a loud noise. It might even dent, but that’s all. Kylo waits, and hopes.

This is stupid.

“I’m waiting for a better idea.”

This mug did nothing.

“No, but the people who did do things aren’t here. And you’re angry you can’t get revenge.”

Hux’s eyes snap onto his, his lips curled back.

“We killed them. When we rescued you, we killed them. And you’re angry that you had to be rescued, and that you can’t get your revenge on them. You’re angry with us, as much as them.”

Hux turns, and throws the mug full-force against the transparisteel viewport. It makes a noise, and falls to the floor.

It isn’t helping.

“Break more things. They’re only things, we can get more.”

It. Isn’t. “ **HELPING**.”

“It helps me to scream. Sometimes the emotion is so big inside that… I need to do big things to get it out.”

Hux whirls back on him, and he’s shaking, now. “Should have blown the ship up with me in it.”

“Do you really want to die that badly? Because your slow suicide by Snoke will get you there, but it’s a cowardly way out. You want to live. You do.”

“WHY? I’m – BROKEN.”

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t live.”

I’m USELESS. I’m beyond useless. I’m a mess. I can’t leave my rooms, I can’t talk to people, I can’t – I don’t even want to get up in the morning, and I – I am too cowardly to—

Shit, but it hurts. Kylo steps in, and clutches Hux’s upper arms, pinning them down. “You aren’t useless, and you are more than what you can be used for.”

“I’m not. You know as well as I do. Useful, or dead.”

“I won’t let that happen.”

You won’t have a choice.

“We always have a choice,” Kylo insists, and runs his thumbs over his arms. “You want to live.”

No. I’m afraid to die. It’s different. 

“Then I find things that make you want to live.”

Hux starts to shake again, and Kylo… carefully pulls him into his shoulder. Hux stays prickly, but he rubs at his back.

“W-why… are… you so determined?”

“Hux… you deserve to live.”

Do I? Your former family were all too quick to remind me how many deaths I’d caused. 

That… makes his stomach freeze, and Kylo grips him harder. “They’re… don’t listen to them. It… you needed to.”

Did I?

Did he.

***

The screaming that night is aloud, and Kylo bolts in to find Hux sitting upright, howling his lungs out. He rushes over, and Hux doesn’t even quiet when he sits beside him, or even when he wraps his arms around his form. 

The man screams, and screams, and screams. Kylo hopes it means he’s going to scream some of the hurt out, and he strokes over his hair and tries to mumble reassurances. 

Eventually, Hux stops howling, and his fingers wind into Kylo’s clothing. A silent request, and they lie slowly down in the bed together. Hux curls awkwardly into him, and Kylo feels… protective. Responsible. 

He doesn’t want him to hurt any more.

***

“You have had sufficient time with the General. You have my orders.”

Bile in his throat, and it takes all he has to mask his real thoughts. “Yes, Supreme Leader.”

He means ‘no’.

***

“What are you doing?”

“We’re leaving.”

“…Ren, we – we c-can’t—“

“It’s ‘Kylo’, and we have no choice. I’m under orders to kill you, and when he realises I won’t, he’ll have us both executed. If we’re lucky.”

Hux looks pale again, his bruises and cuts healed, but his eyes still sunken. “You need to do it.”

“No.”

“R—Kylo, you… tried.”

“Hux, why the fuck do you want to die?”

“It’s… only right.”

“Because you told them things? Fuck’s sake, Hux. You know most of what you told them would be completely defunct by the time you said it. Everyone breaks, eventually.”

He shakes his head. “No. Not everyone.”

“You’re right… people bend first. That’s what you did, but you haven’t snapped back, not yet. I’m not letting you throw your life away over something like this.”

“…this… this is my life.”

“Not any more.”

“It’s… Ren, be serious… I’m no-one, if I’m… not in the Order.”

“That’s what he wants you to believe.”

Hux’s mind clearly can’t comprehend, can it? 

“I won’t rebel.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“…then… what?”

“We fuck off. Away from them both. All they do is use people up, make them suffer, and then what?”

“For the Order.”

“Fuck the Order. I’ve seen both sides, and they’re both fucking shit. Don’t you see? It’s just… blaster, blaster, bomb. Death, torture… power. There’s… there’s no… there’s no point in it, and…”

Hux is horrified, but Kylo knows it’s true. 

“Kylo… didn’t you… didn’t you ever… believe?”

“No. I didn’t. Not in the Republic, and not in the Order. I don’t care. I just want them to… I just want them to leave me alone.”

“I’ll hold you back.”

“Like hell you will. I’ll carry you over my shoulder if I need to. Hux… come with me. There’s more to life than this. There’s – there’s a whole universe out there. We don’t need to stay and fight because our parents wanted us to. We can… we can live.”

His silence is his answer.

***

Why. He asks this often, and Kylo can’t explain. How can you explain? One thing was too much. There’s always the final box of cargo that means the ship can no longer take off. One day, you hit it. 

He’s hit it. He’s hit it, and it’s a good job Hux can fly, because Kylo fucking can’t. 

Why.

He just… couldn’t see Hux killed. They’d tortured him, and he’d be killed by his rescuers? What sense did that make? Why should he suddenly be useless? Wasn’t there any compassion for his pain? 

Hux stares at the screen, and the silence stretches like the gaps between stars. Infinite, and mostly empty.

“I didn’t want to tell them anything. I didn’t. And when I did, I tried to tell them the wrong things. Wrong, or small, so it wouldn’t matter. But then… at some point, I lost… I don’t know what I said. It all became a blur, and I just wanted the pain to stop.”

This is so wrong. Kylo puts his hand on Hux’s knee. “You shouldn’t have gone through that.”

“Why not? Did it to others. Same thing.”

This is true. “I don’t think anyone should go through it.”

“You did it.”

“Yes, but… my way…”

“Did you make them forget?”

“I knew they wouldn’t be alive to need it.”

Hux gets up, and walks into the back. 

Kylo lets him, and listens as things hit walls. He understands. You need to blow the steam off, before your insides boil and melt.

***

Hux retreats to the bed, and claws at his hair. Kylo doesn’t know if he should intrude or not, but they do need to find a safe place. They can’t stay in this ship forever.

“I’m sorry I pulled you away, but it is important to me that you don’t die.”

“What if I want to?”

“Will you… give me a chance to show you there’s a reason not to?”

“What if I still want to?”

“If… if I try everything, and you still want to… I’ll let you fly back to them.”

Hux’s eyes are too tired to cry. “I won’t agree, until you tell me why it’s important.”

“I saw… I saw what they wanted for me, in you. And I didn’t want it for me.”

“But why me?”

“Hux, you try to push people away. I don’t know why I need you safe, but I do. Maybe I think if even you can be happy… I don’t know. I just… I know I need this. I need to save you. I need to make it right.”

“WHY?”

“Because it hurts me when I see you in pain! I don’t understand it, but it does.”

He has to find some way to help him. Then it will all be okay, right?

***

They rent a small apartment, one with two bedrooms. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s soundproofed. Hux stands in the doorway, rubbing his arm, staring blankly into space. 

“How am I supposed to be happy?” he asks.

“What did you used to do?”

“Work.”

“And nothing else?”

Hux shrugs. “It kept me busy. I wanted to excel. I wanted to climb the ladder. I wanted… to win.”

Kylo thinks for a moment. “What about that made you happy?”

“I’m not sure ‘happy’ is really the right word. It was a goal. I believed in it, and I aimed for it, and I accomplished it.”

“So… satisfaction?”

Hux nods. “I don’t know that I know what ‘happy’ is.”

That feeling… he understands, now. “I used to be happy, but it was a long time ago.”

“…before?”

“Long, long before.”

“I’m not going to the Resistance.”

“Nor would I ask you to. I don’t want to go back to them, either.”

“Then… what? Is this really any better for you? You’re not helping me, and I can’t imagine it’s enjoyable to see yourself fail over and over.”

“You aren’t dead.”

“I’m not exactly alive.”

This is the most they’ve spoken, perhaps. Kylo smiles. “You’re getting there. You wouldn’t even dress yourself, or feed yourself. You wouldn’t talk to me.”

“I hardly think what I’m doing counts as… anything.”

“You aren’t dead. You’re still alive, so there’s still hope. I… am not sure I could have lived with myself if you’d…”

“Why? We hated one another, didn’t we?”

“Did you? Hate me?”

Hux walks in, hands trailing over the back of the couch. “I hated things about you.”

“My… family?”

“Family. Origin. Powers. Methods. Your favoured position. The fact you just had everything offered to you. The fact you didn’t seem to make use of it. You squandered your opportunities.”

“You had no idea what my life was like.”

“And you knew mine?”

Hux has a point, and Kylo concedes with a nod. “You could ask me.”

“…ask you what?”

“Anything you want to know. We’re… stuck together for a little while at least.”

“Ren, I’m not… I’m not good at small talk.”

“Neither am I. I wasn’t exactly good at it.”

“Oh, you don’t say?” Hux snarks, with the faintest of a smile. “Mr Popularity.”

“Believe it or not, I was shy, and reserved.”

“And then you went back to your room to trash it? Or did you trash other people’s things?”

It’s said lightly, but Kylo decides to be honest: “I lashed out when I needed to. I tried to hold it in, but I didn’t have the control over myself. It’s why they sent me away, to try to bring me back in line.”

“Sent you–?”

“To my uncle. I was… I was angry, and distressed, so they thought Jedi asceticism would help.”

“I see.”

“It didn’t. I suppose you know that.”

“So your proposal is… what? We stay here? Play happy family? Do you even have the funds to survive?”

“It might come as a surprise to you to know that I’m not entirely stupid. I have funds to last us several years, yes.”

“And you… what? Want to bully me happy?”

“I want to see if I can find what makes you happy.” 

“Right.”

“And me.”

Hux looks around the room. “I’m not sure this is it.”

“Maybe not, but it’s not about to kill you, so…”

***

Hux watches him with poorly-concealed curiosity as he prepares their meal. It’s been years, but he did know how to cook, once. Kylo follows the recipe on the datapad, adjusting a few things as he goes. He wonders if anyone’s ever actually cooked for the man before. 

“What… things do you have planned?” Hux asks, trying for nonchalant.

“Well, if you’re going to survive, you’ll need basic skills for that. How to feed yourself. You’ll burn through credits and time if you always have other people do that for you.”

“So… cooking lessons.”

“Cooking. We need to get you some new clothes. Maybe… work on slowly getting you used to crowds again?”

“Right.”

“You’ve been avoiding people. You know that can’t continue, don’t you?”

Hux shrugs. “People aren’t the problem.”

“Okay. Well, get you used to that. Maybe… take you to a show. Or… to an art installation. Take you to a fair.”

“Those all sound like torture.”

“Hux, you do realise there’s more to life than just work, don’t you?”

“For wastrels and fools.”

“Which you now count amongst the numbers.”

“Boil your head, Ren.”

“Once dinner’s over, I’ll see if I have a pan big enough.”

***

Hux seems to enjoy the food, though he tries to pretend he doesn’t. He’s eating it a bit slower than he normally would, and Kylo keeps checking for reactions, wanting the reassurance.

“Why… why do people do this for pleasure?”

“Because the actions can be soothing, because you can make something just right for you, and because you can share your time and effort with someone. You can… treat them.”

Hux’s eyes narrow. “To get them to owe you?”

“What? No. Because it’s nice.”

“People are only nice because they want things. Even if the thing is the feeling of ridiculous altruism.”

“Well, why would anyone do anything, except that it made them feel better? Even if what they did was hurt themselves, it must be something they think they should do, on some level.”

Hux pushes his plate away from himself. “I’m not going to turn into some soft and sappy fool just because you have lost your way.”

“I’m not expecting that.”

“Then what? I’m a weapon, and you pulled me out of my battery. I’m useless, like this.”

“As a weapon, perhaps. As a person, no.”

“A weapon is all I am.”

“All you were. You could be—“

“What if I can’t, Kylo? What if I am all they made me? What if – what if anything I could have been died before you even met me?”

“Then why did you fly that shuttle?”

Hux storms out of the room, but this time Kylo follows. 

“You want there to be more. You want to keep going.”

“It’s a normal, Human reaction,” Hux argues. 

“So is happiness.”

“And I’ve had that drilled out of me. You do see, don’t you?”

Kylo closes his eyes, and feels the air escape his nose. “If I give up on you, I give up on me. And I’m not. You can move on, Hux. You just… have to want to.”

“I. DON’T. KNOW. HOW.”

“You were hurt. You were hurt for a long time before you were ever taken prisoner. We both were.”

“Oh, really?”

“You think I wanted to be tormented for years? Forced into training that broke me almost in two? You think I wanted to be made so horrible that even my own mother turned me away?”

“At least your mother wanted you.”

“Yeah, but she wanted a me I wasn’t. She wanted a boy who could live up to her wonderful past. And my dad? He wanted a little him. And I wasn’t those things. They said they loved me – maybe they did – but they loved what they wanted me to be more.”

He’s never said that, not before, and now he’s shaking himself.

“But who are you?”

“I don’t fucking know, Hux. I’m not what they wanted, I’m not what Snoke wanted, and I don’t know who I am.”

Silence. They stand, squared off, and their breathing is loud in the small room. Hux moves an arm very slightly, and nudges the back of his hand against Kylo’s. “You’re definitely a mess, with some weird… saviour complex.”

“Very weird.”

“You… aren’t what either of them wanted you to be.”

“No. And I ripped myself in two trying. First to be a Jedi, and then to follow Snoke.”

“And this is better?”

“Maybe. At least I’m in control.”

Hux smiles, just slightly. “Control.”

“Yes. I make my decisions.”

“And right now… I don’t.”

Oh. That’s true. “No… do you… want to?”

“I don’t know what decisions to make, Kylo.”

He swallows, and his mind whirls quickly. “What if… what if I give you… some ideas. And you can pick from them? Or… if I ask you about things, and we decide together?”

“I’m somewhat disenfranchised, right now.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. But… I can try harder to help you make your own mind up.”

Hux considers, then nods. “I think I’d like to finish our meal.”

It’s progress. It is.

***

“I always just… wanted to get… higher than my father. To prove… I was better than him.”

“You thought a higher rank would make you feel good?”

“Yes. I would have less people controlling me, and I would have more control. I would have respect, and power. I would be able to make real changes.”

Unravelled like this, Hux’s life goals start to make more sense. Kylo can empathise. “I thought gaining control over the Force – both sides – would help me.”

“Why?”

“If I was… powerful, then… I would… be in control, too.”

“You wanted the Leader and the Jedi to stop trying to determine your fate?”

“I suppose.”

They’re sitting in a diner, a quiet one. It’s night time, so there’s less people around. Hux still doesn’t like big crowds, but he can cope with this. 

Every day he gets stronger, and Kylo’s pleased with his progress. He has a goal again: to feel able to cope. To want to cope. His purpose has shifted, and instead of finding something to live ‘for’, he’s fighting just to be good at living. It’s a weird reframing of the problem, but if it works, it works.

“What would you have done, once you learned enough?”

“I honestly tried not to think about it, because it would mean I had to kill, or be killed.”

“Yes… I can see the problem.”

“It was very childish of me, but I knew… I knew.”

“You said he used to speak to you… does he still?”

Kylo’s head drops.

“Can he control you?”

“No. He – he can’t control me. But it isn’t pleasant. He has been quiet for a while, now, but I don’t think it will last forever. He will want me dead.”

“Rather than risk you fighting him.”

It’s silly to think he could ever escape, but Kylo still does. “I hope… I hope the Resistance takes him down. I don’t care about what happens next, just… him.”

Hux pauses, pushing the tail end of a pastry around with one finger. “I never liked him.”

“I knew.”

“You did?”

“I’m sure he did, too.”

Pause. “Ah.”

“It’s okay, it’s… not unexpected.”

“I thought I was…”

“Force-powers, remember? Even if you hid it from everyone else, we’d know.”

Hux’s lips turn into a sad smile. “Even now?”

“I don’t… pry. But I feel things.”

“I see.”

Hux turns to gaze out on the street, watching people of all kinds wander by. His eyes track them from side to side, until they’re gone. Momentary threads, crossing their lives from afar. Kylo wonders if the Order has touched their lives, or if they’ve escaped unscathed. 

“When I am fixed, do you intend to leave me to the elements?”

“Do you want me to?”

“That isn’t what I asked.”

“How you answer changes my answer.”

Hux looks back. “You – and this pains me so much to admit – are…” All I have.

“And me,” Kylo replies. “I won’t leave unless you ask me to.”

That seems to satisfy him, and he goes back to pushing the pastry around.

***

Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. He can’t move, there’s a weight on his chest, and there’s screaming.

It’s long moments before he realises the screaming is him. The horror is him. He’s the one having the nightmare, and the pressure on his chest is Hux’s hand, trying to rouse him. 

Kylo gulps in air, and turns his head away in shame. 

He’s supposed to be helping the other man, not the other way around.

To his surprise, Hux climbs into bed with him, and wraps an arm around his waist. It’s light enough to be shaken off, and his nose and forehead press into the back of his neck.

“Sometimes you need to get it out,” Hux whispers. “You, too.”

Kylo puts his hand over Hux’s, and feels the warmth and security. It’s the first real time Hux has initiated this kind of contact, and… it’s nice. It’s nice to be on the receiving end.

It takes a while for him to fall asleep, but he does.

***

There are good days. There are bad days. There are days when – for some unfathomable reason – one or the other of them spends the day cranky and every noise or light is an offense. 

There are days when voices raise. Days when mugs are thrown against walls. 

But they learn that it happens, and maybe it’s needed. Kylo makes sure he directs all the anger he can at the room, and when he calms enough to see through the mood, he knows it’s not Hux’s fault. (Or vice versa.)

He apologises. He means it. Hux is slower to say it, but he shows his regret in his eyes. They try harder to direct the rage away, and then they touch when the anger melts to pain. 

Some days, it’s like… Hux doesn’t… he’s there, but he’s not. He exists, but he’s hollowed out. Hux hates those days, and Kylo does his best to ground him with words, touches, mugs of hot chocolate. There isn’t always a way to fix those days.

But those are not all the days. It took a long time for them to realise that a bad one – or a run of them – didn’t mean forever. That it was a dip, but there would be a rise. That ‘now’ wasn’t a life and death sentence. 

Hux becomes a better cook than Kylo, much to his eternal shame. Kylo brings home a list of places they could go to, before the money runs out. Careers that are flexible, with provision for Bad Days, or wanting to avoid people. 

They ignore the reports of fighting. They can’t decide which side would be better for them to join, or if it even makes a difference. 

It… works. Mostly.

***

“Don’t you ever wish we did this sooner?” Hux asks, his hand in Kylo’s. 

“Which bit?”

“All of it.”

All of it is a lot. Kylo drops his head to Hux’s. “You wouldn’t have come, if I asked you before.”

“I almost didn’t when you did ask me.”

This is true, and Kylo turns to kiss his temple. “But you did. Eventually.”

“Eventually.” He swings his legs, and looks down at the smallholding they now own. They’re half an hour from the small town, and they should be almost self-sufficient. 

Not too far from people. Not too close. Ships fly overhead, and there’s company, if they want it. 

Kylo can’t help but be wryly amused. His uncle had longed for adventure, away from his farmhand life. Kylo… wants nothing more than this. 

“I – you know… I don’t thank you often enough,” Hux says. “For all of it.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I do.”

“Okay, you need to. I don’t need you to.”

His partner sighs, slow and deep. “I wish we’d never been through all that.”

“So do I.”

But they can’t undo what happened, all they can do is live. Now isn’t always. Now is new, over and over. 

Hux is the first to get tired of the sentimentality, and he leaps down. “We have work to do.”

Work, in order to feed themselves. It’s an honest living, and it has its own goals: keep living.

After all, you need to live, to see if the day is a good one. Kylo follows him, and thinks this is one of the good ones. 


End file.
